My Dad once told me that when I was a babe I would sometimes be sitting in my high chair and would just fall asleep and face plant into my food. I've never really had trouble sleeping. In fact I've always been somewhat of a sleep lush. Eight hours used to not even cut it. I wasn't one of the cool kids that stayed up late and slept in til the mid-afternoon, even at middle school slumber parties I would be the dorky girl who was opposed to pulling an all nighter. Up until my college days I went to bed around 10 usually and was always an early riser. Even when I became more social in college and did the normal student routine of drinking til late at night Thursday through Saturday and somehow getting my sh*t together by 3am Monday morning, I still would naturally wake up no later than 9ish.
Lately I've had the craziest sleep patterns. I don't get home from work til 12 or 12:30am. I don't like to go to bed immediately because it makes me feel like the nursing home has too much control over my identity. On days that I go to class in the morning and practically straight to work for the rest of my day, I don't really feel alive. Everything gets so mechanical sometimes. It's almost better to be in robot mode thiugh, because once I do have some free time I tend to think too much and lose my cool about my current somewhat awkward life situation. I used to be such a little Asheville socialite, hanging out with some various human being whose personality fit the mood I happened to be in, swimming in rivers, drinking lots of local beer, frequenting a lot of dff't bars and cafes with random groups of people that I got together, having partites, etc. Now I'm just kind of in my own little world, but I don't even feel like I have ownership over it because it's so blah and I don't consider myself a blah person.
Not sleeping hasn't helped the situation. I've recently been caught up in a good deal of drama of which I don't even feel like I have enough time to sort out. My mind just spins at night. I tried to take a nap the other day and was actually too exhausted to fall asleep. I didn't even think that was possible. I got into that tingly trippy state of mind that happens right before you fall alseep and then I'd just kind of jump out of it over and over again as if someone gave me an adrenaline shot, and then I'd start twitiching all over. I was almost in tears, it was seriously painful, I mean I reallly needed to sleep. I wish my mind didn't have such a bad habit of creeping into the darkness. I'm so good at putting on a smile, but when it comes down to it I'm a pretty sinister human being. Just gotta keep my chin up and get through this current slump in my roller coaster ride of an existence I suppose. Comedians are usually fairly screwed up people internally. I mean i'm no comedian, but I like to make people laugh. I get off on creating humor out of the stupid situations I find myself in. It's usually somewhat effective because once I joke about my circumstances to other people and they laugh, I realize that even the pretty crappy parts of life can sometimes be amusing from a bystander or more objective perspective. We all take ourselves and our situations so seriously but it's fairly easy to laugh at other people's life stuff, so shouldn't we just laugh at ourselves too? I guess it's harder.
I got a speeding ticket the other day. The circumstances surrounding it were sort of funny, but after a half-day of just laughing at myself I totally lost my cool about it. I'm a natural worry wort and I'm also obsesssssed with my parents' approval (I'm far from independent at this point). I felt so guilty and stupid and was so tired and upset about other crap that the ticket was just the last straw. I've been too exhausted to truly freak out like I normally would though, which actually makes me feel worse because I know once I get some legit rest I'm totally going to lose my shiz about everything.
Last night I gave a power point presentation in my web class. It was a pretty dry topic, "10 internet milestones" I somehow made mine pretty humorous and my classmates and teacher sincerely laughed pretty freaking hard at a few things that I said and at a ridiculous/ mildly inappropriate video clip I put up. I realized afterwards that I wasn't a robot, that I have a "big" personality and am pretty damn unique/weird. Sometimes I feel confident that I give off a good energy and I'm somehow confident that it will be put to use in a pretty great way somewhere down the road. Other times though, I feel like I try so creepily hard to give off good, fun energy. It disturbs me how much people blindly take me to be a happy human being and someone that they can trust/ like. Occcasionly a really intuitive person comes along and picks up on my inatuthenticity and understands that I'm only letting people into my world on a very superficial level. That type of person either loves me more deeply than others or hates me a lot, or both. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm a good person, it feels forced. Wickedness masked by obessessive good behavior is the eeriest kind of evil. Maybe I'm not evil, maybe I'm just really freaking tired, but sometimes I just feel so damn fake.
Despite my recurring melancholy, I have this gut feeling that everything will be alright, that success in some form or another is in my future. I wish I could just be a professional orator of super goofy satire related to life's anomalies and day-to-day weirdness. I guess that's what a stand-up comedian is. I don't think I can do that though, maybe I'll just keep up writing silly stuff on this blog and use it later somehow, somewhere.