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I'm in a perpetual phase of transition which doesn't seem to be phasing out.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Douche University

Yesterday a semi-regular customer came into the coffee shop. He struck up a conversation with me, asking me how I'd been and whatnot. I told him the usual blurb I tell people, that I've mostly just been working a lot. Then he started talking about his recent trip to Mexico, which a lowly barista who can't afford vacations just can't wait to hear about. He said he got stopped by customs at an airport and was randomly selected for questioning. I interjected and asked him if they made him drop his pants. He got super uncomfortable. I guess he got molested, or just thought it was weird that I asked him that. Then I tried to back-track and apologized for lacking a filter (which I'm never actually sorry about). He said "it's okay I went to the University of Michigan." I asked him what that had to do with anything and he said "everyone is socially awkward there."

um okay. University of Michigan people are socially awkward. Good to know down here in North Carolina. I'll be sure to buy a t-shirt, then maybe my whole personality will make more sense to people, if they went to University of Michigan.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Sure, okay, whatever.

Lately I've been feeling less conscious than usual;just perpetually sort of dazed and out-of-it. Somewhat paradoxically though, I'm often aware of feeling that way, and it's consuming and frightening from a strange third person perspective of my own state of mind. The same thoughts circle through my head constantly, about how I’m boring and I sleep too much and I work too much and I don’t eat right and I don’t have money. It’s all so dull and redundant. Where did all the interesting thoughts go? I think I used to have them. I think I used to be passionate about things. I need to take a vacation. Yes. That’s what I need. People live for vacations. I need to clear my head of its repetitive thoughts. I need to do yoga again. That always made me feel good. No actually it made feel kinda stressed out. Forced relaxation is weird. And it’s like fifteen bucks a class, I can’t afford that. 

I replay the same sorts of thoughts over and over again in my head especially at work. Then a customer will walk up or a co-worker will approach me about something and I snap out of the thought-chain like an alarm clock has gone off in the middle of a good REM cycle. Then moments later, after the interaction ceases, I’ll be right back in the spiral, except it resets to start all over again in almost a verbatim chain. Which is really kinda sad. I just have to have something to occupy my head space, something to fixate on. I can’t deal with having no thoughts. I have to have thoughts. But God my thoughts are so fucking boring and repetitive. I need to read more, yes maybe that will help. More thoughts, I just need more thoughts. Other people’s thoughts will do, that’s fine, just some other goddamn thoughts besides the ones I have over and over and over again. 
“I ate too much sugar today. I’m going to gain weight.” 
“Oh wow, I hardly ate anything today, I feel skinny.” 
“I need to call my grandmother.” 
“I need to get back in touch with old friends. I’m going to die alone.” 
“Gas is so expensive.” 
“Rent is so expensive” 
“I should go buy a new dress. That will make me happy.” 
“I need to check my bank account. Do I have enough money to make it until pay day?” 
“I need to make a payment on my credit card. Mom says I can’t leave a balance on there because then I pay interest. I wonder what my interest rate is. It can’t be that high with a $600 credit limit, right? God I don’t understand anything about money and finance and shit. I should learn about it. Learn how to make money turn into more money. God I am so jealous of rich people. I bet if I was just born rich, I’d have a lot easier of a time getting my stuff out there to the world. I wish I was Jewish too. That would help out I bet. I need to promote my shit. But I don’t want to have to spend time on the computer. I hate computers. Maybe I just like the idea of hating computers. I’m so stubborn. If I just got a smart phone and tweeted shit constantly, I’d probably be more successful. But I’m afraid of indulging my narcissism. And I’m also afraid of being rejected. I’m afraid of everything. I thought this anxiety medication would help with that. I think it just makes me sleep more. I already slept too much. I guess I should tell the doctor that. But I want to be medicated. I like the idea of being medicated. It validates my "issues".